"I feel that at the end of the day I'm failing at that one thing I truly want to do ... live."
I wrote that a couple weeks ago, and the feeling is still true. I wanted to expand on this thought a little, and maybe find an answer, or clarity at least, in the words as I write them...
My life is very one sided these days. I work, I come home, I do nothing of true importance because I can't sleep, I finally get to sleep (between 4am and 8am, most of the time toward the later side), I sleep until it's time to get up and do it all over again. Unless of course it's one of my coveted days off. Then instead of work I simply exist in the confines of my four walls ... scared to go out and do things ...
This fear may or may not be legit. I've never really known myself to be an anxious person, and the idea that anxiety can just appear after years and years seems very silly to me. However, I have no other answer as to what it can be. I simply do not enjoy going out by myself. I barely enjoy going out with my kids and their mom. I don't know if its a routine that I'm simply sick of, or if it's truly just leaving my comfort zone.
In terms of going out by myself, there are very few non family/non worker (aka friends ??? that's a thing) that I know. You've seen with my hectic schedule and refusal to leave my room that making friends is a little hard. Of course I hear you loud and clear How can you ever make friends if you never leave your house?. Shush. I know this already. I'm trying to exorcise (exercise these demons? work them out? I dunno) these thoughts and look for another way...
If I could put ANY postive spin on this, it's the fact that my son is getting to that point where he enjoys some of the same stuff I do and he wants to hang out with me. I have a solid 3 years I believe before this time frame moves on to "DADDD! GET OUT OF HERE!" , so I really need to get on the ball before I miss some truly awesome stuff. And that goes for my daughter as well. I fear that time period might be even shorter with her for the simple reason she's a girl. Good thing is pch isn't as girly as her mom would like right now. I just want her to stop twirling her damn hair and making god awful knots in it (wishful thinking).
So long story short, I'm searching for ways to make the moments better. How to get my depressed ass out of bed, out of my room, and into some semblence of normalcy for my kids sake. I know they need me. I know the want me. I need them, I want them. I want normalcy. I want..need..this. I just feel like I'm always scratching and clawing, never getting any closer to where I want to be...
Currently Playing: the offspring/want you bad
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