I've discovered recently that I need an outlet. Something ... we'll use the word artistic ...to help me vent frustrations of my everyday life. Unfortunately, those outlets are few and far between. I don't really know where to look, I just know I need it. It's becoming more of a craving at this point. But understanding the need and learning how to conquer it (or at least start working on it) are two entirely different things.
As a child I used to give into art. I enjoyed comics (still do to that extent) and I've been known to doodle a time or two. However, taking the time to try to create something from my hands is hard to find. And that's probably an excuse, and I'm ok with that.
I feel that as a borderline perfectionist these outlets are even harder to attempt. I guess typing words allows me avoid perfection because I know that English, writing, putting words in the correct order have never been my strong suit. It's one of the few things in life that I'm oddly ok with, so I'll roll with it.
I feel that at the end of the day I'm failing at that one thing I truly want to do ... live.
I'll leave space there for good reason. It's important. I truly only have myself to blame. I find social interaction fairly meaningless these days. Those people who I do choose to be social with seem to keep me on a simply need basis. It's a fairly difficult struggle to realize that your simple presence is on a need basis, regardless of the need. I spend so much of my time being "social" with my job that when I do have days off, I want NOTHING to do with society. Unfortunately that includes the people in my own life.
This entire blog has turned into a much more stream of consciousness idea that I had hoped. That's ok, like I said...words on paper (or a computer screen) eases me. I don't look for perfection. And maybe I can find the answer I'm looking for. Or maybe there is some advice someone can give. I do know one thing. The status quo isn't working. And I don't know how to change.
Another double break...that must have been important too. I tell myself that I'm living my life for my kids. and half the days that probably true. But I've come to the conclusion, a long time ago, that my kids have an incredible mother who looks out for them in ways that I never could. Most days I feel like I'm just the financial backer who ensures that there is a roof overhead, clothes on back, food in belly kinda guy. I work 5 days a week, my days are 4p-1a, and I can't sleep to save my life. So I see my kids, awake, for about 1-2 hours a day. Once again, my fault, once again...I'm reaching out for help.
The first thought process would be to take a look at your life and see where the changes could be made. That's hard for me however, because the first place I personally would look is my job. Unfortunately, my job fits wonderfully in my life and the last time I checked it allowed me to pay the bills quite nicely. (which is a good thing, because if it didn't I don't know why I keep showing up for it). The second thing I would look at is getting to sleep. I don't know why this is such a hard process for me. I typically get home from work around 130a - 2a, and I'm awake for another 2-5 hours after that. I sleep the day away, I wake up in time to shower and go to work. It's an entirely frustrating life, but it's what I have...
There are other options I've considered but I'm going to hold those cards close to my waist for the time being. I don't know if I would ever go through completely with any of them anyways.
I do have a vacation coming up soon. The current plan is head back home for a few days. I miss my parents, and I certainly could use a canoe trip down the river, but for the most part I don't look forward to any other part of this trip. I know for a fact that my kids are looking forward to it, they miss their grandparents. I know their grandparents miss them. As for me, I just don't know what's in Virginia for me anymore. Which frustrates me even more, because I certainly don't know what's in Kentucky for me right now either.
This has went on for entirely too long, and has gotten way more wishy washy than I had ever hoped. Maybe I'll stream some more consciousness tomorrow. Time will tell...
Currently Playing: highly suspect/viper strike
