One of the things that brought me massive joy (whether anyone actually truly enjoyed it or not) was offering up a what's what in my music world during the week. I've rebooted this idea in my blog a couple times, and in the spirit of reboots (Will & Grace, I'm looking @ you) it's time to try it again. So with no further ado, ladies and gentlemen I present to you my songs of the week for this Friday, July 7 (commentary where necessary).
I am going to give some commentary for the first song on the list. It seems there's one thing for certain. I'm doomed to spend EVERY 4th of July @ Applebees. This year was much more bearable given my kitchen staff and their antics, but that's a conversation for another day. We also had the privilege of having a couple people from Germany in our restaurant that night. Cool guys, and they had plenty of questions about America on this, our day of independence (or day of treason, depends on which coast you are standing on). A completely different conversation is being hand between two of my servers and I only caught the tail end of this conversation, which was "Rammstein? You've never heard of Rammstein?" And then Amerika started blaring out over the speakers. No sooner than the bass kicked in, the eyes in our German friends' eyes lit up like fireworks as they turned our very slow bar into a karaoke joint for this one song. Regardless of the sentiment that song tries to get across in terms of this country, our blatant capitalism, our worldwide reaching culture (or lack thereof), but in that moment of the night, America ist wunderbar.
Rammstein - Amerika
The Foo Fighters - Run (106 Days Away, can't wait)
Volbeat - Black Rose
RAP ALERT Watsky - Exquisite Corpse (featuring Dumbfoundead, Rafael Casal, Grieves, Chinaka Hodge, Adam Vida, Daveed Diggs, & Wax)
As usual, let me know what you are listening to! I'd love to give it a listen!
Currently Playing: volbeat/black rose
Friday, July 7, 2017
I'm sick of not living to stay alive!
"I feel that at the end of the day I'm failing at that one thing I truly want to do ... live."
I wrote that a couple weeks ago, and the feeling is still true. I wanted to expand on this thought a little, and maybe find an answer, or clarity at least, in the words as I write them...
My life is very one sided these days. I work, I come home, I do nothing of true importance because I can't sleep, I finally get to sleep (between 4am and 8am, most of the time toward the later side), I sleep until it's time to get up and do it all over again. Unless of course it's one of my coveted days off. Then instead of work I simply exist in the confines of my four walls ... scared to go out and do things ...
This fear may or may not be legit. I've never really known myself to be an anxious person, and the idea that anxiety can just appear after years and years seems very silly to me. However, I have no other answer as to what it can be. I simply do not enjoy going out by myself. I barely enjoy going out with my kids and their mom. I don't know if its a routine that I'm simply sick of, or if it's truly just leaving my comfort zone.
In terms of going out by myself, there are very few non family/non worker (aka friends ??? that's a thing) that I know. You've seen with my hectic schedule and refusal to leave my room that making friends is a little hard. Of course I hear you loud and clear How can you ever make friends if you never leave your house?. Shush. I know this already. I'm trying to exorcise (exercise these demons? work them out? I dunno) these thoughts and look for another way...
If I could put ANY postive spin on this, it's the fact that my son is getting to that point where he enjoys some of the same stuff I do and he wants to hang out with me. I have a solid 3 years I believe before this time frame moves on to "DADDD! GET OUT OF HERE!" , so I really need to get on the ball before I miss some truly awesome stuff. And that goes for my daughter as well. I fear that time period might be even shorter with her for the simple reason she's a girl. Good thing is pch isn't as girly as her mom would like right now. I just want her to stop twirling her damn hair and making god awful knots in it (wishful thinking).
So long story short, I'm searching for ways to make the moments better. How to get my depressed ass out of bed, out of my room, and into some semblence of normalcy for my kids sake. I know they need me. I know the want me. I need them, I want them. I want normalcy. I want..need..this. I just feel like I'm always scratching and clawing, never getting any closer to where I want to be...
Currently Playing: the offspring/want you bad
I wrote that a couple weeks ago, and the feeling is still true. I wanted to expand on this thought a little, and maybe find an answer, or clarity at least, in the words as I write them...
My life is very one sided these days. I work, I come home, I do nothing of true importance because I can't sleep, I finally get to sleep (between 4am and 8am, most of the time toward the later side), I sleep until it's time to get up and do it all over again. Unless of course it's one of my coveted days off. Then instead of work I simply exist in the confines of my four walls ... scared to go out and do things ...
This fear may or may not be legit. I've never really known myself to be an anxious person, and the idea that anxiety can just appear after years and years seems very silly to me. However, I have no other answer as to what it can be. I simply do not enjoy going out by myself. I barely enjoy going out with my kids and their mom. I don't know if its a routine that I'm simply sick of, or if it's truly just leaving my comfort zone.
In terms of going out by myself, there are very few non family/non worker (aka friends ??? that's a thing) that I know. You've seen with my hectic schedule and refusal to leave my room that making friends is a little hard. Of course I hear you loud and clear How can you ever make friends if you never leave your house?. Shush. I know this already. I'm trying to exorcise (exercise these demons? work them out? I dunno) these thoughts and look for another way...
If I could put ANY postive spin on this, it's the fact that my son is getting to that point where he enjoys some of the same stuff I do and he wants to hang out with me. I have a solid 3 years I believe before this time frame moves on to "DADDD! GET OUT OF HERE!" , so I really need to get on the ball before I miss some truly awesome stuff. And that goes for my daughter as well. I fear that time period might be even shorter with her for the simple reason she's a girl. Good thing is pch isn't as girly as her mom would like right now. I just want her to stop twirling her damn hair and making god awful knots in it (wishful thinking).
So long story short, I'm searching for ways to make the moments better. How to get my depressed ass out of bed, out of my room, and into some semblence of normalcy for my kids sake. I know they need me. I know the want me. I need them, I want them. I want normalcy. I want..need..this. I just feel like I'm always scratching and clawing, never getting any closer to where I want to be...
Currently Playing: the offspring/want you bad
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
Current Outlook - Pessimistic With a Side of Sh*t
I've discovered recently that I need an outlet. Something ... we'll use the word artistic ...to help me vent frustrations of my everyday life. Unfortunately, those outlets are few and far between. I don't really know where to look, I just know I need it. It's becoming more of a craving at this point. But understanding the need and learning how to conquer it (or at least start working on it) are two entirely different things.
As a child I used to give into art. I enjoyed comics (still do to that extent) and I've been known to doodle a time or two. However, taking the time to try to create something from my hands is hard to find. And that's probably an excuse, and I'm ok with that.
I feel that as a borderline perfectionist these outlets are even harder to attempt. I guess typing words allows me avoid perfection because I know that English, writing, putting words in the correct order have never been my strong suit. It's one of the few things in life that I'm oddly ok with, so I'll roll with it.
I feel that at the end of the day I'm failing at that one thing I truly want to do ... live.
I'll leave space there for good reason. It's important. I truly only have myself to blame. I find social interaction fairly meaningless these days. Those people who I do choose to be social with seem to keep me on a simply need basis. It's a fairly difficult struggle to realize that your simple presence is on a need basis, regardless of the need. I spend so much of my time being "social" with my job that when I do have days off, I want NOTHING to do with society. Unfortunately that includes the people in my own life.
This entire blog has turned into a much more stream of consciousness idea that I had hoped. That's ok, like I said...words on paper (or a computer screen) eases me. I don't look for perfection. And maybe I can find the answer I'm looking for. Or maybe there is some advice someone can give. I do know one thing. The status quo isn't working. And I don't know how to change.
Another double break...that must have been important too. I tell myself that I'm living my life for my kids. and half the days that probably true. But I've come to the conclusion, a long time ago, that my kids have an incredible mother who looks out for them in ways that I never could. Most days I feel like I'm just the financial backer who ensures that there is a roof overhead, clothes on back, food in belly kinda guy. I work 5 days a week, my days are 4p-1a, and I can't sleep to save my life. So I see my kids, awake, for about 1-2 hours a day. Once again, my fault, once again...I'm reaching out for help.
The first thought process would be to take a look at your life and see where the changes could be made. That's hard for me however, because the first place I personally would look is my job. Unfortunately, my job fits wonderfully in my life and the last time I checked it allowed me to pay the bills quite nicely. (which is a good thing, because if it didn't I don't know why I keep showing up for it). The second thing I would look at is getting to sleep. I don't know why this is such a hard process for me. I typically get home from work around 130a - 2a, and I'm awake for another 2-5 hours after that. I sleep the day away, I wake up in time to shower and go to work. It's an entirely frustrating life, but it's what I have...
There are other options I've considered but I'm going to hold those cards close to my waist for the time being. I don't know if I would ever go through completely with any of them anyways.
I do have a vacation coming up soon. The current plan is head back home for a few days. I miss my parents, and I certainly could use a canoe trip down the river, but for the most part I don't look forward to any other part of this trip. I know for a fact that my kids are looking forward to it, they miss their grandparents. I know their grandparents miss them. As for me, I just don't know what's in Virginia for me anymore. Which frustrates me even more, because I certainly don't know what's in Kentucky for me right now either.
This has went on for entirely too long, and has gotten way more wishy washy than I had ever hoped. Maybe I'll stream some more consciousness tomorrow. Time will tell...
Currently Playing: highly suspect/viper strike
As a child I used to give into art. I enjoyed comics (still do to that extent) and I've been known to doodle a time or two. However, taking the time to try to create something from my hands is hard to find. And that's probably an excuse, and I'm ok with that.
I feel that as a borderline perfectionist these outlets are even harder to attempt. I guess typing words allows me avoid perfection because I know that English, writing, putting words in the correct order have never been my strong suit. It's one of the few things in life that I'm oddly ok with, so I'll roll with it.
I feel that at the end of the day I'm failing at that one thing I truly want to do ... live.
I'll leave space there for good reason. It's important. I truly only have myself to blame. I find social interaction fairly meaningless these days. Those people who I do choose to be social with seem to keep me on a simply need basis. It's a fairly difficult struggle to realize that your simple presence is on a need basis, regardless of the need. I spend so much of my time being "social" with my job that when I do have days off, I want NOTHING to do with society. Unfortunately that includes the people in my own life.
This entire blog has turned into a much more stream of consciousness idea that I had hoped. That's ok, like I said...words on paper (or a computer screen) eases me. I don't look for perfection. And maybe I can find the answer I'm looking for. Or maybe there is some advice someone can give. I do know one thing. The status quo isn't working. And I don't know how to change.
Another double break...that must have been important too. I tell myself that I'm living my life for my kids. and half the days that probably true. But I've come to the conclusion, a long time ago, that my kids have an incredible mother who looks out for them in ways that I never could. Most days I feel like I'm just the financial backer who ensures that there is a roof overhead, clothes on back, food in belly kinda guy. I work 5 days a week, my days are 4p-1a, and I can't sleep to save my life. So I see my kids, awake, for about 1-2 hours a day. Once again, my fault, once again...I'm reaching out for help.
The first thought process would be to take a look at your life and see where the changes could be made. That's hard for me however, because the first place I personally would look is my job. Unfortunately, my job fits wonderfully in my life and the last time I checked it allowed me to pay the bills quite nicely. (which is a good thing, because if it didn't I don't know why I keep showing up for it). The second thing I would look at is getting to sleep. I don't know why this is such a hard process for me. I typically get home from work around 130a - 2a, and I'm awake for another 2-5 hours after that. I sleep the day away, I wake up in time to shower and go to work. It's an entirely frustrating life, but it's what I have...
There are other options I've considered but I'm going to hold those cards close to my waist for the time being. I don't know if I would ever go through completely with any of them anyways.
I do have a vacation coming up soon. The current plan is head back home for a few days. I miss my parents, and I certainly could use a canoe trip down the river, but for the most part I don't look forward to any other part of this trip. I know for a fact that my kids are looking forward to it, they miss their grandparents. I know their grandparents miss them. As for me, I just don't know what's in Virginia for me anymore. Which frustrates me even more, because I certainly don't know what's in Kentucky for me right now either.
This has went on for entirely too long, and has gotten way more wishy washy than I had ever hoped. Maybe I'll stream some more consciousness tomorrow. Time will tell...
Currently Playing: highly suspect/viper strike
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